Monday, October 20, 2008

The New E3

I make a hobby of saying incredibly weird crap combined with criticisms on games and business commentary on 'The Escapist'. I guess that's true anywhere, but this one got a laugh out of me.

In response to G4's announcement concerning a new E3:

I already know the announcement. They're going to say that I've been hired to run E3 from here on out.

Opening ceremonies this year will consist of a Machinima rendition of 'Henry the V', done in Unreal Tournament 3, and be closely followed by a long line of people in black robes smacking themselves with issues of GameInformer. All voice acting will be provided by me and this homeless guy who hangs out on King & Calhoun. Plays a mean fiddle.

Booths will be limited to one person, who must dress as a person in their game, and act like they are a real character from it. Think historical re-enactors. Anytime someone breaks character they will be banned from E3 for as long as I'm in control.

Games will be displayed on a rolling cart that randomly gets launched through the E3 area at unpredictable intervals. Journalists will be required to chase after the TV's and observe what they can. All games will only be previewed once OR they will be allowed to take a hammer and beat on a series of dead horses hidden around the arena. Whoever beats the dead horse the most, gets to view the game of their choice from inside the dead horse.

The final show will be the number one ranked Guitar Hero player walking around stage smashing Gibson Guitars and lighting them on fire while I chant, "Are you not entertained? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!"

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